Dawn's Forgiveness Lesson

Over the past week have had an email exchange with a wonderful person addressing dealing with a challenging forgiveness issue. She has given me permission to share the email exchange with you. I think many may find it a blessing. Please see below.

In Joy,

Michael

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Dear Michael,

I am a friend of your mother's and she recommended that I read the Disappearance of the Universe to help me with my struggle to find peace with my husband's unfaithfulness, and to forgive him. His unfaithfulness happened during a dark time for us and I needed him, but he - I have discovered now several years later - was spending time with someone younger while at the same time being cold and distant with me. He ended the relationship before I found out and we renewed our vows for our 25th wedding anniversary before I found out, and really, he began working before that also to be not just a good husband, but sometimes a wonderful husband.

I can't forgive him, though. I am still stuck in that dark time when I was also hurt by the events in our life and needed him so much. What's more, he was unfaithful earlier in our marriage when we were younger and he knows how devastated I was by that. How could he hurt me like that again? He promised me he would make it up to me and this is how he did it?

On one level, I understand how vulnerable he was during this last time. Without going into the specifics, I would not wish that time on anyone and it was especially difficult for him. I really think he was clinically depressed during that time. He is a different man now and I know he still loves me and probably needs me to forgive him for part of his own healing. But there is this part of me that says I should not forgive him - no matter his new commitment and his constant attempts to prove to me that he is different and to earn my trust again - because (1.) it happened twice and it might happen again and (2.) because I think what would other women think if they knew I forgave him after all of this.

Funny, I didn't know all of this about my feelings until I just wrote it. Can you imagine a place where I could forgive him without losing my own sense of self and without being a fool?

You said "Remember, forgiveness is GIVING a heavenly interpretation FOR our earthly experience." Can you see how that should apply in my case?

I hope this is not too much of an imposition, but I am in such pain and conflict. And am embarrassed to talk to your mother about this yet again. She was so patient and wise with me the first time and I feel silly that just when our children have just finished college and moved out on their own, that I find myself in this place again. - Dawn (name changed)
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Dawn:

What a blessing to be so clear on the forgiveness lesson before you!

And what an amazing spirit you have - can you feel it? What I mean is: even through the pain in your writing I could so clearly hear how much you want to once more feel love for him -- how much your loving soul wants so much to do what it was created to do -- to love as our Creator loves, loving without condition, loving without regard to whether we are loved back. I thank you and bless you for being such a witness to me of what it means to BE LOVE, to BE what we were created to be.

I have found the Forgiveness Chapter (7) from the Disappearance of the Universe very powerful, especially when Pursah shares the most important forgiveness lesson of her lifetime. If you haven't gotten to that chapter yet, you might find it helpful.

I want to ask you a key question: what is your fundamental starting point in forgiving someone? When I am faced with forgiveness opportunities in my life, I am usually so caught up in the particulars of the event, that I need something to pull me back to the truth. I call this my fundamental starting point in forgiveness.

For some people, their fundamental starting point is "God calls on us to forgive people. If I am going to be a good Christian, I must forgive, despite what they have done." For others, the starting point might be, "What you did to me was wrong, but if you knew better, you would have done better."

I think both these starting points make it very hard "to trust" someone again. In both cases you are hoping the person doesn't do it again, and you feel like a real fool if he or she does! These starting points can keep you pretty bound and untrusting.

Here are a few different starting points that you may find more freeing.
• I have given this situation ALL the meaning it has for me. I CHOOSE to give this a different meaning.
• Jesus would have no problem with you and would love you because He knows you were acting out of fear. I see your fear, I see beyond your fear, and I love you.
• You are spirit, whole and innocent. All is forgiven and released.
• I am spirit. I am home with God. I had forgotten and thought I was a body
• This is MY dream. You are not really there. If I think you are guilty and the cause of the problem, and if I made you up, then the seeming guilt must be in me. But since the separation from God never occurred, I forgive "both" of us for what we haven't really done. Now there is only innocence. And I join with the Holy Spirit in peace.
• There is no injustice in the world. This is MY dream. I HAVE projected this for my healing. THANK YOU for showing me where I need to heal. I forgive you for what I have done to myself. (This is my favorite!)
• Focus not on your brother's mistakes. Instead, focus on his happy dreams.
You might find it helpful to choose a starting point (or create your own) and stick with it for a while. Every time you think of the forgiveness experience, replace the thought with your starting point. Say it to yourself several times until you return to peace. The first few times it may take 10 minutes or more! Overtime you will likely find that when you think of the person, a feeling of love and joy will come as you heal inside.

Please keep in mind, Dawn, we are not called upon to be doormats. If a baby is beating on our chest, we recognize that the baby is upset and doesn't understand that there is a better way to express this. We don't punish the baby, we simply hold the baby at a distance to prevent the baby from hurting our bodies. In the same way, you may find that you may need to have some distance for a period as you take care of self. Keep in mind, that distance is without judgment. That distance is just for you.

I hope this is helpful to you as you continue your journey to express all that our Creator made you to be.
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Michael:

I could not read your response clearly at first because my eyes filled with tears, I was so hungry for what you had to say. I had to go away from it and come back to see if I had read it correctly. Thank you for holding a mirror up for me to see myself. We never see ourselves clearly. Once, many years ago, a friend asked me what I stood for and I told him "LOVE." I said it without hesitation, but without much maturity of thought. I have much to say about LOVE, now. But simply put, I was born out of my parents' love for each other and I am the youngest of their twelve children so I have had an abundance of love all my life. In fact, as a child, I was adored by my mother and some of my brothers and sisters and neighbors. I loved to sing and dance and draw and write for everybody. I entertained them with great joy to myself. Love has always surrounded me and I have always attracted love. Perhaps that makes it easy for me to give love back; to BE LOVE, as you say. But it also contributed to the enormity of pain I feel that the person I chose to share the intimacies of love betrayed me.

You have helped me to remember the LOVE that is me and to know that I should cherish that about myself and see it as a kind of protection from the hurt and pain I have been feeling. Does that make sense to you? My husband did not grow up with that kind of love and I believe that part of what he found attractive about me was the love that I wear because I am wrapped in it. I am not saying that knowing love as a child is the only way to know love, but rather that I never had to find it. It has always been there for me.

I will read chapter 7 and let you know what I think.

To answer your question: "what is your fundamental starting point in forgiving someone?" I guess it is the discomfort I want to get rid of in holding on to not forgiving. Somewhere along the line I came to think that forgiving is really tied up with forgiving ourselves. I could have been a better comfort to my husband during our difficult time, but I was afraid too and I busy supporting our children who were also hurting. I did not understand his inability to be strong and keep going, no matter what. He withdrew from us emotionally and I was angry with him for that. In forgiving him, I can forgive myself for not being more giving and understanding of him.

I know that all of that is easier said than done, however. It is my ego, as I mentioned that keeps me in limbo. In some ways I feel traumatized by his actions and am afraid that he will hurt me again, in spite of his obvious changes. How could this man who sleeps in the same bed with me and shares my most private and sacred spaces, do this to me again when he knew how much he hurt me the first time? That is the obstacle; I am willing, at least for now, to be patient with the POWER of LOVE to allow it to help me overcome that obstacle.
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Dawn:

Thanks for the feedback.

A final thought. Can you imagine walking into an insane asylum and having people in the institution laughing at you because of the way you walk or the way you talk or the clothes you have on? You would of course understand that their laughter is just part of their seeming illness, and it would have no impact on you. You would be untouched and unaltered by their actions, because you know that they are acting out of fear, paranoia, or some other form of mental illness.

In this same way, I'm excited for you as you learn more about the you that is LOVE, the you that is peace and the you that is untouched and unaltered by any action that you or anyone else seems to take in the world. You are indeed spirit. Can you imagine the LOVE that we can all freely express once we catch and live the real meaning of this statement? There would be no need to be afraid of any action anyone might take, because we are spirit. We are free to be LOVE without fear of what others might one day do. I believe this is where we are all heading...at our own pace...whenever we are ready.

The lessons may seem to be many but they are all the same: returning to the LOVE that we each are by letting go of all that is not LOVE.
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Michael,
I am excited. What you just said makes perfect sense to me. It made me feel calm to remember that I do not need to protect myself from what might happen in the future or what someone might think about me for staying. There is nothing to protect myself from, because nothing was done to me. My only responsibility is to LOVE, and to accept the LOVE he wants to give me. Now, to keep remembering to remember that in truth. That is the challenge.

I thank you with all my heart.

Dawn