The Impact of Guilt

Have you ever noticed the amazing impact that GUILT has in your life?

I've known for sometime that when I feel guilty about something, I put obstacles in my way. As early as age 13 I recognized at least some of the impact of my guilt. I can remember "dating" several girls that I knew I had no business spending time with (e.g., I though they were cute but I really didn't like being with them that much or they were someone else's girlfriend). Inevitably as I sensed the relationship was getting to the point where we would actually "make out" I would catch a cold - making kissing not possible. It was like clock work. It happened over and over again.

There is a passage in The Disappearance of the Universe in which Arten explains to Gary that if he didn't feel guilty about eating chocolate, he wouldn't break out every time he did.

Have you ever noticed the amazing impact that GUILT has in your life?

The other day I had an extreme example of the impact of my guilt. And even as I went through it, I knew what was going on and could only smile and shake my head as I watched my guilt manifest. In a strange way, it was like watching a dream or a movie. Instead of getting upset or feeling tense, I could look on what I had created and think, "This is what it is, and nothing more."

What happened exactly? Hang on for the movie I'll call, "Guilt In Action" or "And on the Eighth Day, Michael Created Guilt" (or more accurately, the "first" day). I'll use numbers to break up the narrative.
1. On this Sunday evening, I had a 5:50 flight to New Orleans because I was speaking at 10:30 the next day to what turned out to be over 300 people on strategic planning.
2. Atlanta is the busiest airport in the world, and Sunday afternoon at the Atlanta airport is typically the busiest time in the busiest airport, as thousands of weekend travelers returning home mix with thousands of business travelers flying out for the week. It is truly controlled chaos.
3. When I have to fly out on Sunday afternoons, I like leaving my home AT LEAST 2.5 hours ahead of time, if not earlier. So for a 5:50 flight, I had planned to leave at 3:15.
4. At 3:00, I was on the computer wanting to finish up something. I knew I needed to leave, I could feel my inner guide encouraging me to go, but I really wanted to finish what I was doing, even though it wasn't that important - I was just feeling willful. And ... I felt guilty about my willfulness. Unconsciously perhaps I was saying to myself, "You know you should be leaving. You know you should be listening to your inner guide. You know you should..." (A person once told me, "You have to stop 'should-ing' on yourself." She is SO right!)
5. It's 3:35 and I finally get in my car, 20 minutes later than I "should" be leaving. Except, the car doesn't start. Now I drive a Lexus and have done so for 15 years. One reason is because you don't have to worry about them not starting. I thought, "Wow, I must have left the lights on or something."
6. I don't panic. I have cables in my trunk (primarily to be able to help out other people). I get my wife to give me a jump and I am on my way. I let my wife know that I am going to stop by the office to pick up brochures, but I'll be on the expressway long enough to recharge the battery.
7. It's 4:10. I get to the office, pick up the brochures, jump back into the car. Except, the car doesn't start.
8. The parking lot of the office building is deserted. I remember thinking, "Okay, I have projected this for my healing. How is this one going to work out, God?"
9. I remember that the management company has a security vehicle that drives back and forth to check on the various buildings they manage in the area. I go to our receptionist's desk, find the telephone number for security and call. My call rolls to voice mail which gives me another number to call in case of an emergency. I call the emergency number. I let it ring, and ring, and ring, 20 times...no answer. I remember thinking, "Wow, I'll need to let them know the emergency number doesn't work some times."
10. I'm thinking through options. I call my DISCOVER Emergency Road Assistance number. Though I'm feeling pressed for time (or perhaps because of it), I get someone who takes me through what feels like 10 minutes of Q&A before she finally says they can get someone there and the cost will be $70. I explain to her that I am a member of the program, have been paying $25/month for over 10 years, this is the second time I used the service and I'm sure there is no additional fee. She explains what she sees on her computer and it is $70. I do a quick 5-second check-in with my inner guide, "Just pay the $70 or escalate?" I escalate and ask, "Is it possible that I can speak to your manager because I would like to get an explanation of this."
11. I'm on hold...and on hold...still holding...
12. After several minutes I notice someone drive up in the office building parking lot. Eureka!
13. I explain my situation and the need for a jump. She is more than happy to help, explains that she has no idea about cars or how to jump one, says that she is in a hurry as well, hands me her keys and runs into the building. What a trusting soul. I had never seen her before and haven't seen her since.
14. The good news is that her car starts fine. But when I go to find the hood release latch, I can't find it. I look everywhere: around the dashboard, the drivers seat, the outside hood. I get the sense that she probably won't know either. So...it feels so invasive, but I go ahead and open her glove compartment to get her car manual. Yes, it is there! I look up "hood." No, it isn't there. I realize this is an English car, so I'm trying to remember the name they use for "hood." I scan the index. There it is, "bonnet." The bonnet release button is on the passenger door. Now how much sense does that make? (I realize later that this makes a lot of sense. In England, they drive on the right side of the road. They moved the steering wheel for us Americans, but they didn't move the bonnet button!)
15. It's 4:40. I have 70 minutes to get to the gate. Possible, but I will have to put "pedal to the metal," and speed down the highway a lot more than a little bit. I realize though that if the problem is my battery, I will come back from New Orleans and will have a dead battery in the parking lot of the airport. I call Delta to check on possible later flights. "Mr. Wilkinson, there are two later flights, let me check on the status." I'm thinking that this is good and I'll just stop by Sears, get a new battery installed, and take a later flight. "But, Mr. Wilkinson, both flights are over-sold. I could put you on standby. But it is not likely that you would make it." Speed demon here I come.
16. It's 4:55. I am making good time...until I reach downtown. Traffic comes to a grinding halt. Not slow down, a full halt. I'm thinking, "It's a Sunday. What is this?" I turn on the radio just in time to hear the recap of a 4-2 Atlanta Braves baseball win, "Have a safe drive home." The game had just let out and 25,000 people are trying to drive home while I'm trying to get to the airport. I just shake my head and think, "Wow. I'm really doing it this time." Had I left when I had planned to leave...even with the other chaos, I still could have passed this point well before the game let out.
17. As we begin creeping along, I remember a way to get around the stadium and bypass the traffic. I take it, and it is indeed clear!
18. It's 5:15. I arrive at the airport, 35 minutes before flight time. I still have to get through security, but I am a CLEAR security card member and will be able to bypass most of the lines. But even with CLEAR, it still typically takes 30 or so minutes to get to the gate.
19. I get to the CLEAR line. There's no line! In fact there is not a single person there, not even the 2 or 3 CLEAR attendants. There is a sign, "Due to the inability to gain an extension in our credit lines, CLEAR is no longer in business." The sign is dated two days previously. I think, "Wow. This is just amazing."
20. It's 5:50. I get to the gate. I am the last person on board before they close the plane door!
21. It's 6:15. We are still at the gate. The captain announces, "We are having mechanical failure and will have to change planes. The new plane is on a different concourse at gate..." I could only smile and shake my head.
22. It's 7:15. We take off. Yeah!
23. It's 8:45. We are circling New Orleans...still circling...still circling. The pilot announces that New Orleans is experiencing severe storms and that the control tower is having planes circle until the storms pass. However, we are running out of fuel and will have to land in Baton Rouge to refuel. You could hear the collective groan from the passengers. I'm thinking, "Wow. This is truly unbelievable."
24. Once we land in Baton Rouge, a number of passengers are extremely vocal about the combined inconvenience of changing planes and having to land in Baton Rouge. The flight attendants catch the heavy dose of anger from the passengers. Unfortunately, one of the flight attendants became the lightening rod for animosity when she inadvertently gave her standard pre-exit pitch as we were landing in Baton Rouge, "You can pick up your luggage at ... if you have a connecting flight, please speak with..." - even though we were stopping just to refuel. As it turns out, a number of passengers demanded to get off the plane at Baton Rouge rather than continue on.
25. It's 9:50. We finally arrived in New Orleans - 3 hours late - even with the time zone change. I'm the last to get off the plane and a flight attendant says, "I noticed you were the only one smiling the entire time. You didn't seem to get upset at all about all this. Do you work for the airlines or something?" I didn't have the heart to tell her, "This was my dream. All this chaos, I created it. How could you not smile when you recognize it is you creating all this." I simply said, "It is what it is," and smiled out the door.
Have you ever noticed the amazing impact that GUILT has in your life?

As we practice forgiving ourselves and others, we release the guilt that creates much of the chaos in our lives. Perhaps if I had just spent 5 or 10 minutes at anytime in my journey reaffirming my guiltlessness I may have been able to release some of the experiences that came my way. "I am spirit, whole and innocent. All is forgiven and released."

At the same time, I do recognize that whether experiences are bypassed or not is perhaps not as important. Perhaps the greater point is how much more peace I felt going through the experience by understanding the dynamics of how my guilt can create chaos.

Be peaceful today my friend.

In Joy,

Michael