Camille's Lesson

A few weeks ago, Camille Bork, another student of forgiveness shared a story with me that I thought you might find helpful as you walk your own path of forgiveness.
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Hi Michael,

Thanks for sharing all these forgiveness lessons! They are very helpful! Your message today brought some of my own forms of forgiveness to mind. When there's something that doesn't sit right with me, I need to investigate what's underneath the form. A great tool I use (from Byron Katie www.thework.com ) is to write the statement and then write down all the meanings I have put on the situation and on my brother. So for example, right now, I am not working at a paying job. So, Camille doesn't have a job, and that means... she is lazy. She's not talented. She doesn't contribute. She isn't valuable. She's not capable. She's a free-loader. She's not going to survive without someone else's sacrifice. And on and on. Then I can question each one of these meanings - Is it true that Camille is lazy? Doesn't contribute? And so on. This is a made-up example (aren't they all???!!!), but here's one from my "real life."

When my son was about 14 or 15, he got into heroin. My husband and I tried everything we could think of (or read about) to get him off. We tried gentle understanding, tough love, seeking out professionals from many fields, sending him to top-notch rehabs (spending every penny we had), and kicking him out of the house to find his own path. Even when he asked for our help, it didn't stick. One day while I was cleaning, I found a needle (yet another one) hidden in his room. I heard myself speak words similar to these, out loud, "God, I can't live like this any more. This has got to end,. and it's OK if Eric (my son) has to die if that's what the solution is. I release him." My husband and I placed our son in God's hands surrounded by Light and Love and absolute perfect care. Eric seemed to die or make a transition 5 weeks later (accidental overdose). He was 17 at that point. Anyway, that's how the story goes. However the story is not right, nor wrong, nor painful, nor joyful, nor true! It is meaningless, but the meaning I placed on the story is what I needed forgiveness for. I did not need to forgive the idea that he used heroin. I needed to forgive all the meaning I had placed on that idea. This is what it looked like for me:

Eric uses heroin and that means:
He is hopeless. He's not going to make it. He is in danger. Addiction is a powerful evil. I am a bad mother. There's something wrong with him. He's defective. He should quit. I know what is best for him. He's weak. I'm responsible. And so on.

The Course says to question every belief, and I often use the inquiry process from Byron Katie to question beliefs, although I am sure it is not the only stepped-out tool for this. So I take it one belief at a time. Here's an example:
There's something wrong with him. (Question 1: Is it true? - Answer: yes, it's true. Strong, healthy people don't use heroin.)
There's something wrong with him. (Question 2: Can you absolutely know that it is true in this moment? - Answer: no, I cannot absolutely know that it is true in this moment that there is something wrong with him.)
There's something wrong with him. (Question 3: How do you react when you believe the thought that there is something wrong with him? - Answer: I panic. I feel guilty. I feel out of control. I treat him like he's less than me. I treat myself like I'm a failure. I get afraid. My body constricts. I get a lump in my throat. I get nauseous.)

Question 4: Who would you be if you could not think the thought? "There's something wrong with him"? - Answer: I would be present with him right here right now. I would be completely trusting. I would be light-hearted and joyful. I would be light-weight and loving. I would be free to shine my light, to extend. Nothing in the world would bother me. I would not be attached. I get a better sense of myself as Who I really am as God created me. I get in touch with Christ/Son of God. I would be really living! (From ACIM T-15.I.1. Can you imagine what it means to have no cares, no worries, no anxieties, but merely to be perfectly calm and quiet all the time?)

#5. Turn the statement around: There's something wrong with him. (There's something right with him.)
Is that just as true or truer? Give examples. (Yes, He is as God created him. His perfection is reflected in his passion for his music. He loves animals. He's kind. He loves his friends, and he loves me.)

Another turnaround statement: There's something wrong with him. (There's something wrong with me.)
Is that just as true or truer? (Well, I have the same issues that I think he has - imagine that! I use food & liquor to try and offset fear. I was a difficult child, often in trouble at school. I have allowed the thought that I am a victim to run my life.)

Another turnaround statement: There's something wrong with him. (There's something wrong with my thinking.)
Is that just as true or truer? (Yes. My perception is all wrong. I think I can be hurt, and he can be hurt. I think defense is necessary. I think I know what is best for my brother. I'm in his business and not in mine. I'm putting meaning on the world and on my brother that's all made up. I am judgmental and critical. I am in fear. My thinking is attracted to conflict, loss, and guilt. My perception is upside-down.)

Although the examples I give seem to be all about the world, they reflect the many ways I project the underlying belief onto my brother and situations (form). As I question my judgments, my mind opens, and I am able to understand that all of my stressful thoughts are beliefs about myself that I have projected outward.

I am sooo grateful to have had this extreme lesson in my life. I am learning that all of my suffering is caused by putting erroneous meaning onto the meaningless. It was perfect that Eric did heroin and seemed to die from an overdose! What a gift to me because I just don't belief my own stories the way I used to, and consequently, I don't suffer the way I used to. And, it has been proven to me, unequivocally, that every single concept I lay on my brother is truly what I think about myself and don't want to face. Inquiry is such a beautiful way to pop illusion because it doesn't hurt. That's how I know it is a tool for forgiveness because Holy Spirit's correction never hurts! Oh boy, how cool is that?!!! It is actually so joyful to be wrong! (T-30.I.10. Now you have reached the turning point, because it has occurred to you that you will gain if what you have decided is not so. 2 Until this point is reached, you will believe your happiness depends on being right. 3 But this much reason have you now attained; you would be better off if you were wrong.)

I offer this to you in case it is helpful.

Thanks so much for the Forgiveness group you facilitate and for your email messages! We may never know how much suffering has ended because of this!

Love always,
Camille

PS Here are a few ACIM quotes from the Manual for Teachers about our capacity to judge things in the world. I love it that J tells us to go ahead and judge as soon as we know how everyOne will be affected!

M-4.III.1.8 Without judgment are all things equally acceptable, for who could judge otherwise?
M-8.3.3 Yet it is surely the mind that judges what the eyes behold. 4 It is the mind that interprets the eyes' messages and gives them "meaning." 5 And this meaning does not exist in the world outside at all. 6 What is seen as "reality" is simply what the mind prefers.
M-10.2. It is necessary for the teacher of God to realize, not that he should not judge, but that he cannot. 2 In giving up judgment, he is merely giving up what he did not have.
M-10.3. The aim of our curriculum, unlike the goal of the world's learning, is the recognition that judgment in the usual sense is impossible. 2 This is not an opinion but a fact. 3 In order to judge anything rightly, one would have to be fully aware of an inconceivably wide range of things; past, present and to come. 4 One would have to recognize in advance all the effects of his judgments on everyone and everything involved in them in any way. 5 And one would have to be certain there is no distortion in his perception, so that his judgment would be wholly fair to everyone on whom it rests now and in the future.

Learning From My Nephew - Part II

Ah, the learning continues. Thanks to all who wrote me about the last message surrounding the forgiveness lessons I'm learning by way of a nephew who is living with us for a holy instant. I was dealing with my judgment of him for not making his best efforts to seek employment. Of course all judgment is self judgment, since this is indeed my dream. And my lack of peace in this simply points to my own call for healing.

Over the past two weeks my goal has been to praise when I felt judgment ("focus on his happy dream"), to offer help when I judged lack of effort, and to help him hold himself accountable. As Arten says in The Disappearance of the Universe, "It's not easy, but it's doable. And if you allow yourself to be helped..."

The result? The last two weeks have been much more peaceful. What's funny of course, is that the more I focus on MY own forgiveness lesson, the better he seems to get! There may be something to this practicing forgiveness stuff. :-) Remember me the next time you find someone in your life whom you believe needs to change. Happy dreaming!