Some days I find myself challenged by this idea of practicing forgiveness. There are those days when I don’t want to take my quiet time, when I don’t want to do my reading, when I don’t want to listen to the Disappearance of the Universe cds, and I certainly don’t want to take the time to ask for guidance and listen for the Holy Spirit.
And then, to avoid the guilt that often comes when I’m not doing what my Higher Self is calling me to do, I get busy and pretend not to hear.
Oh what “wonderful” days those are! Stress, anxiety, irritability, frustration. You’d think I know better by now! And though in my heart I do “know”, my head (my ego) is still learning.
And practicing forgiveness teaches me to forgive myself for what I haven’t really done…to forgive myself for the belief that I can change what God made…to forgive and remember I am truly home in God…and this home awaits just my single desire to remember.
May this day be filled with your remember!
In Joy,
Michael
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
When the stuff hits the fan...
One of the residual benefits of "practicing" forgiveness on a daily basis is that when the stuff really hits the fan, the so called depths of despair usually aren't as deep and don't last nearly as long. Perhaps only as deep and only as long as necessary until we remember our truth. I was moved by this recent post in the DU discussion group in which the stuff hit the fan in a very real way for one forgiveness practitioner.
________________________________________
From the Disappearance of the Universe Discussion Group (Visit This Group on the Web)
Well, I have received the ego shock of my life this week. My father
who is "only" 63 and in good health, began to feel sick during a
vacation to Italy in June. It began to last for some weeks and so he
started to visit his doctor to get some tests done.
The test showed that his liver enzymes were abnormal, which led to a
lot more testing, and biopsy. A month later, he still had no
conclusive diagnosis.
He started to feel better, and we hoped that it was just some kind of
infection that was starting to improve.
But then he started to feel sick again, and went to a larger hospital
(UCLA) for more testing.
Well, he called me 2 days ago and after examining the 2nd biopsy, they
found Melanoma in his liver. Very, very serious cancer. He shared
this with me on the phone, and for those of you who have never dealt
with a close family member's basically terminal diagnosis, let me just
say this: I hope you never have to.
I spent the next several hours in a daze, either screaming, crying, or
comatose. "Why me. Why him. He's too young. I'm too young. My
poor stepmom. My poor brothers". True, true darkness and depression.
As I was laying crying in bed, I asked myself in my mind, "please,
let me feel the love of God in my heart. I just want to know that He
is here for me". I felt nothing, and still felt alone, continuing my
emotional outbursts.
After several hours, I felt exhausted, and collapsed into bed.
The next morning, I felt a little better, good enough to go to the
Wapnick's website, and start to find a way to deal with this
emotionally, in the context of ACIM, which I now need more than ever
and which I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL to have found and be studying for
the past few years. I looked up some phrases relating to grief on
their questions and answers page, and found some passages to look at
in ACIM.
I have barely glanced at the Manual for Teachers, telling myself that
I had to finish the Workbook first, which I am finally seriously
working through after several aborted attempts.
The page I was looking for was page 58 of the Manual for Teachers,
"DOES JESUS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEALING?" It is difficult to
explain how deeply I was affected by this lesson. I cannot really put
a quote in here, because the whole lesson just flows together
perfectly. It made me feel that J was right next to me, holding my
hand, helping me through this illusion of pain and death, and that
somehow, we would make it through this.
Then, I looked up, and in my mind's eye, J was standing in front of me
(in a kind of stereotypical physical guise, white robes & beard),
looking at me, and saying "I am here. Soon your tears of pain will
become tears of joy." Then I just felt in my heart, that He was with
me. More than that, I was here to learn how to be here as God's
representative for my family, for myself and for those I come into
contact with.
It was an extremely moving and beautiful moment, and I began to cry,
but this time I really did feel light and happy underneath the tears,
not in despair like the night before. I felt "it is going to be ok".
I had to do a lot of research for Dad yesterday, trying to find out
how to get treatment for this difficult condition, learning what the
hell it was (I didn't know what melanoma was, really, until yesterday)
and what can be done. It was a lot of difficult reading, and I cried
a whole lot yesterday too, and not tears of joy. But… I can say, we
are making some progress in understanding this condition, and in
finding some hope beyond the initial prognosis.
I feel a great deal of love for my Dad and for everyone, and I really
have not gotten angry at anyone or anything since yesterday. I feel
like when I am not overcome with emotion, I am starting to learn how
to be calmer and more peaceful than before. Of course I am hoping for
a miracle of the traditional sort, and we are going to do everything
we possibly can inside of the illusion to keep my Dad's body alive and
functioning for as long as humanly possible.
But I know that the REAL miracle is love, and it is this I am hoping
to learn more of, share more of, and feel more of, praying that more
love then grief and pain will see us through this family trauma.
Ego shocks can be extremely painful and horrible, there is no doubt
about it -- it is easy to be philosophical about forgiveness until
something like this happens in your personal life. Then, the Course
seems to be all that is keeping me from total despair.
Now that I am in this situation, I basically cannot go on with my
previous escapism-based existence, and I just feel that somehow
despite all the pain that my family and I are going to go through in
this upcoming year, that we will all grow closer and more loving as a
result. Does it always take an absolute disaster to finally make you
take your ego seriously? I don't know, but for me, I just suddenly
HAVE to reach out to people, come out of my shell, and give and
receive love, learn to be kind, and suddenly I feel like yes I am part
of the Atonement after all. Life is not always kind, do not count on
it to be. Yet even in the darkest-looking situation, there is Love to
be found.
"Vision already holds a replacement for everything you think you see
now. Loveliness can light your images, and so transform them that you
will love them, even though they were made of hate." -Workbook Lesson
23 P4
I know there will be times when I am going to get angry again over
this, and probably blame God, feel sorry for us again, etc. I will
keep asking J for guidance, to keep grief and anger from overwhelming
us, and to keep love in the picture. Grieving is part of being human,
and part of having a body, it seems - the emotions are so overwhelming
at moments, they must be felt. And yet I know that this is the
welling up of much guilt and anger, and thus opportunity for massive
amounts of forgiveness. Now there is real motivation -- if miracles
serve to save time, how many more of these tragedies can I avoid in
the future by taking forgiveness into my heart now? If we are all
one, then it is my cancer too -- I created this too.
I just want to thank anyone who is still reading, I cannot express
enough how much it means to me to be able to share this with other
people who are using the Course in their lives. If anyone in this
group is going through or has gone through a similar crisis, I would
really appreciate it if you would share with me how you used the
Course to help you. Or just e-mail me to say hi or for some support
for that matter. I feel that "we are all in this together now", no
longer will I view anyone else's suffering with lack of compassion or
fear that somehow "I'll get it too" if I get involved. I already have
it -- so do we all. Love Gary garydemp@cox.net
________________________________________
From the Disappearance of the Universe Discussion Group (Visit This Group on the Web)
Well, I have received the ego shock of my life this week. My father
who is "only" 63 and in good health, began to feel sick during a
vacation to Italy in June. It began to last for some weeks and so he
started to visit his doctor to get some tests done.
The test showed that his liver enzymes were abnormal, which led to a
lot more testing, and biopsy. A month later, he still had no
conclusive diagnosis.
He started to feel better, and we hoped that it was just some kind of
infection that was starting to improve.
But then he started to feel sick again, and went to a larger hospital
(UCLA) for more testing.
Well, he called me 2 days ago and after examining the 2nd biopsy, they
found Melanoma in his liver. Very, very serious cancer. He shared
this with me on the phone, and for those of you who have never dealt
with a close family member's basically terminal diagnosis, let me just
say this: I hope you never have to.
I spent the next several hours in a daze, either screaming, crying, or
comatose. "Why me. Why him. He's too young. I'm too young. My
poor stepmom. My poor brothers". True, true darkness and depression.
As I was laying crying in bed, I asked myself in my mind, "please,
let me feel the love of God in my heart. I just want to know that He
is here for me". I felt nothing, and still felt alone, continuing my
emotional outbursts.
After several hours, I felt exhausted, and collapsed into bed.
The next morning, I felt a little better, good enough to go to the
Wapnick's website, and start to find a way to deal with this
emotionally, in the context of ACIM, which I now need more than ever
and which I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL to have found and be studying for
the past few years. I looked up some phrases relating to grief on
their questions and answers page, and found some passages to look at
in ACIM.
I have barely glanced at the Manual for Teachers, telling myself that
I had to finish the Workbook first, which I am finally seriously
working through after several aborted attempts.
The page I was looking for was page 58 of the Manual for Teachers,
"DOES JESUS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEALING?" It is difficult to
explain how deeply I was affected by this lesson. I cannot really put
a quote in here, because the whole lesson just flows together
perfectly. It made me feel that J was right next to me, holding my
hand, helping me through this illusion of pain and death, and that
somehow, we would make it through this.
Then, I looked up, and in my mind's eye, J was standing in front of me
(in a kind of stereotypical physical guise, white robes & beard),
looking at me, and saying "I am here. Soon your tears of pain will
become tears of joy." Then I just felt in my heart, that He was with
me. More than that, I was here to learn how to be here as God's
representative for my family, for myself and for those I come into
contact with.
It was an extremely moving and beautiful moment, and I began to cry,
but this time I really did feel light and happy underneath the tears,
not in despair like the night before. I felt "it is going to be ok".
I had to do a lot of research for Dad yesterday, trying to find out
how to get treatment for this difficult condition, learning what the
hell it was (I didn't know what melanoma was, really, until yesterday)
and what can be done. It was a lot of difficult reading, and I cried
a whole lot yesterday too, and not tears of joy. But… I can say, we
are making some progress in understanding this condition, and in
finding some hope beyond the initial prognosis.
I feel a great deal of love for my Dad and for everyone, and I really
have not gotten angry at anyone or anything since yesterday. I feel
like when I am not overcome with emotion, I am starting to learn how
to be calmer and more peaceful than before. Of course I am hoping for
a miracle of the traditional sort, and we are going to do everything
we possibly can inside of the illusion to keep my Dad's body alive and
functioning for as long as humanly possible.
But I know that the REAL miracle is love, and it is this I am hoping
to learn more of, share more of, and feel more of, praying that more
love then grief and pain will see us through this family trauma.
Ego shocks can be extremely painful and horrible, there is no doubt
about it -- it is easy to be philosophical about forgiveness until
something like this happens in your personal life. Then, the Course
seems to be all that is keeping me from total despair.
Now that I am in this situation, I basically cannot go on with my
previous escapism-based existence, and I just feel that somehow
despite all the pain that my family and I are going to go through in
this upcoming year, that we will all grow closer and more loving as a
result. Does it always take an absolute disaster to finally make you
take your ego seriously? I don't know, but for me, I just suddenly
HAVE to reach out to people, come out of my shell, and give and
receive love, learn to be kind, and suddenly I feel like yes I am part
of the Atonement after all. Life is not always kind, do not count on
it to be. Yet even in the darkest-looking situation, there is Love to
be found.
"Vision already holds a replacement for everything you think you see
now. Loveliness can light your images, and so transform them that you
will love them, even though they were made of hate." -Workbook Lesson
23 P4
I know there will be times when I am going to get angry again over
this, and probably blame God, feel sorry for us again, etc. I will
keep asking J for guidance, to keep grief and anger from overwhelming
us, and to keep love in the picture. Grieving is part of being human,
and part of having a body, it seems - the emotions are so overwhelming
at moments, they must be felt. And yet I know that this is the
welling up of much guilt and anger, and thus opportunity for massive
amounts of forgiveness. Now there is real motivation -- if miracles
serve to save time, how many more of these tragedies can I avoid in
the future by taking forgiveness into my heart now? If we are all
one, then it is my cancer too -- I created this too.
I just want to thank anyone who is still reading, I cannot express
enough how much it means to me to be able to share this with other
people who are using the Course in their lives. If anyone in this
group is going through or has gone through a similar crisis, I would
really appreciate it if you would share with me how you used the
Course to help you. Or just e-mail me to say hi or for some support
for that matter. I feel that "we are all in this together now", no
longer will I view anyone else's suffering with lack of compassion or
fear that somehow "I'll get it too" if I get involved. I already have
it -- so do we all. Love Gary garydemp@cox.net
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